It was my birthday recently, and as usual I didn't get what I really wanted. I usually get a bunch of flowers, a book, a box of chocolates and electronic gadgets. My family always ask me what I want, and I always tell them the same thing – I want a surprise. So this year I got flowers, books, chocolates and gadgets. Flowers are lovely, but they hardly ever last for more than a week, and a real present is something you can keep. I always look for the diamond ring hidden in the flowers, but it's never there. Books are a waste of time, and I hate getting chocolates because I'm normally on a diet.

But gadgets are the worst. Most women are not interested in gadgets. Men buy gadgets for women because men love gadgets. For my birthday my husband bought me a gadget that makes bubbles in the bath, like a jacuzzi. Last year he got me one of those things you put on the-back of your seat and it massages your back. What's he trying to tell me? That I deserve some little luxuries? I agree with that, but the little luxuries I like are made of gold or silver.

But women are sensitive and intuitive so they always know the right thing to buy. Right? Wrong. The big mistake that women make is that they usually buy clothes. They buy clothes because they like them and they want other people to wear the clothes they like. 'You always wear dark colours, and I want to change you, so I'm going to buy you a brightly coloured tie or a pair of Mickey Mouse socks.'

This is a big mistake. Men don't usually want brightly coloured ties or silly socks. The word to remember when you're buying a present for a male is Gadgets. Men like anything digital or electronic. Like one of those watches that tells scuba divers the time in Atlantis. For his last birthday, I gave my husband a small torch and a Swiss army knife, the same present that I once gave to a one-year-old child nephew. He was overjoyed. You can't go wrong if you always remember the 'G' word For men and the 'J' word for women – and that's “J” for jewellery not “J” for jacuzzi.